How to Survive An Evil Cult (Humor)

December 7, 2013
by phigits

How to Survive An Evil Cult (Humor)

Below are several simple secrets for wicked cult leaders plus members:

Pick 1 belief plus remain with it. Dilettantism is the mark of a amateur.

Familiarize oneself with all the requirements for sacrificial victims, plus guarantee which unacceptable substitutes can not be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony.

If the penalty for not-to-specs function is death and/or mutilation, consider functioning for a more fault-tolerant deity.

Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of the deity’s name inside the confidentiality of the own area before chanting it inside public. Flash cards are usually helpful.

Before agreeing to impregnation with a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the different ladies that have undergone the process.

Never invoke anything bigger than a head.

Eschew deities whose fans are all young; these belief groups generally employ an unpleasant retirement process.

Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over 10 pounds inside fat – it attracts unwanted attention from travelers, policemen, different supernatural creatures, plus is downright risky throughout thunderstorms. Its jingling furthermore seems to inform the hero of the approach.

Citronella candles might not be chosen inside rituals. I cannot strain this enough. Pastel colored candles inside the form of cute animals are like direct sunshine to the Powers of Darkness.

Fluorescent light is pretty annoying to many netherworldly creatures.

When the Black Mass goes wrong, avoid the Evil Priest. Enraged demons constantly choose the pompous.

When a religious artifact starts emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members might be saved each year when they followed this easy protection tip.

When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

During ritual losing, taking pieces house for later is today mostly considered “bad shape.”

Contrary to historic belief, drugs plus invocations never blend. Whenever the ritual goes wrong, it is actually vitally required to be capable to discern amongst the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets as well as the gibbering monstrosity which can fade away following a some hours, several B complex, along with a wise hot shower.

Piety plus belief are effective details, plus limited forces inside nature, may stand against 1 that is true to his belief, his god/goddess, as well as the deal prepared inside exchange for the soul. But, it is actually furthermore true which gods tend toside with all the heaviest artillery, thus be prepared to change sides at the drop of the hat.

For those cases where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not accessible, the lower ranks of demons is misled by microwaving a earlier frozen amount of ex-victim plus cleverly jiggling it. But, the mock victim sculpted from SPAM is unacceptable.

Instead of choosing human victims that are young, virginal plus innocent (plus tend to come out to function as the Hero’s girlfriend), see in the event you could replace mass murderers, lawyers, plus others that won’t be missed.


  1. have faith

    Please assist me w/this dispute my hubby & I are having. He claims to be shorty’s master (minpin) plus I tend to disagree. I am the 1 to feed, shower, provide meds, take him out plus he sleeps proper upcoming to me. My spouse takes him 4 walks inside the night plus I do. We really spoil him. Shorty was born w/CHF plus the vet gave him perhaps 6mo.-1 year when which, plus he merely prepared 2. thus, you are really grateful 4 which andwe treat him like he is human. Occasionally my hubby is a small jelous of him whenever he sees how he takes 2 me. plus he may state I am his master “why is he usually by you” lol plus I state “I am his master” lol thus that’s my query. 1 master or 2?

  2. Ed D

    Isn’t this a pagan program which has today become glorified plus unexamined inside the culture? How would it create sense to kill anything to pay for what we did?
    @Jay Z, thus you’re suggesting which God instilled a program whereby innocents should be murdered to allow the guilty go free?

  3. jordenkotor

    i read a book: Emperor. And i came to realize which historic rome, historic egyptians, historic china, etc, they all had slaves to build monuments, excellent civilizations plus eventually an empire. Im not suggesting it is ethical, specifically today inside the contemporary globe, it will be unacceptable. However, from a historic view, was there an alternative? Do u think which it contributes greatly to what you are enjoying now? Without them, you wouldn’t achieve several aspects right?

    I repeat, im not supporting slavery, thus pls never hurl insults at me.

  4. Sahil

    Folks appear confussed regarding what Passive Aggressive (PA) actually is. They provide all types of examples of behaviors which are clearly Actively Aggressive. And they provide examples of behaviors which aren’t aggressive at all. Many websites receive it incorrect too. PA behavior is indirect aggression with all the outcome of harming somebody. Utilizing sarcasm has been Actively Aggressive. Deliberately neglecting to choose up a friend at the airport, then suggesting we forgot is PA. Refusing to talk with somebody that consistently abuses we is not PA, it setting boundaries. Can anybody assist me define what PA actually is?
    This really is helpful: “…there is a difference between being assertive plus aggressive. Assertive persons state their opinions,
    whilst nevertheless being respectful of others. Aggressive individuals attack or ignore others’ opinions inside favor of their own.
    Passive individuals don’t state their opinions at all.”
    To be PA you must damage somebody by being PASSIVE. That signifies DOING NOTHING.
    Being Avoidant is not the same because being Passive Agressive. If I refuse to discuss a issue with we, then I am only being Passive (or Avoidant), plus althought which may be irritating, it’s not a shape of Aggression. Then when I avoided telling we which home was on fire, plus we almost burned to death, THAT will be Passive Aggressive.

  5. Eric

    my cousin had this replace instructor inside P.E for 2 month he wasn’t absolutely a replace instructor he was more like training. yet anyway he’s just 19 plus she’s 17 plus she claims which they utilized to flirt plus she hasn’t got him anymore because he’s studying today ( economics) she claims which she loves him plus would like to date him. nevertheless isn’t which incorrect or strange. I personally think it happens to be. what do we think? is it incorrect plus he did level her

  6. wwwavid360gamercom

    I hope to have at less $10,000 for my marriage on aug third 2009 is there any method to raise cash for 1? how would I be capable to do it?

  7. airdogspace2

    And what do we think the “lesson” was they were supposed to discover?

    “CHICAGO —  A girl plus her grandparents have sued the Chicago Board of Education, alleging a replace instructor showed the R-rated movie “Brokeback Mountain” inside class.
    The lawsuit claims which Jessica Turner, 12, suffered emotional distress following watching the film inside her 8th level class at Ashburn Community Elementary School last year.
    The replace asked a student to shut the classroom door at the West Side school, saying: “What occurs inside Ms. Buford’s class stays inside Ms. Buford’s class,” based on the lawsuit.”,2933,271935,00.html

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